Managing.

The 2016 SPM results were released today (or yesterday, I guess, since it's past midnight as I type this). I have no idea how either of the secondary schools I attended performed, but the lack of good news, particularly regarding the one in Rembau, is probably a sign that the world hasn't exactly been set alight.

I still retain great affection for Semesra, as the two years I spent there were two of the best years of my life. I genuinely want it to do well, though the downward trend in academic results since the heady days of my batch seems to indicate that it's unfortunately set to be going the way most other SBPs have. The slide is quite saddening, and it's something I hope to be able to address someday.

A former lecturer of mine, who I consider a good friend, has a son who got his results today. He did very well, considering he's from a non-boarding school (albeit a good one). His mother was "ecstatic", as any mother would be. I was reminded of back when I got my own SPM results, almost exactly six years ago - as if I ever needed reminding. It's something that I still think about from time to time.

Most people will have moved on by now; I can't say I fully have. Can I really be blamed for that? It was a significant, watershed moment in my life, being the first time I'd ever had that kind of expectation put on me, which I subsequently failed to meet. I know most people would have been overjoyed with those results, but most people did not set themselves the same target I did. What most people consider to be excellent, I consider to be insufficient.

I remember the hollowness I felt. I remember having to hide my dissatisfaction. I remember accepting well-meaning congratulatory remarks the same way you'd accept a gift you neither want nor have a use for. I had fallen short of the expectations I'd placed on myself, and, to me, that was no success. Those were not good feelings. Anyone who thinks I'm a bit precious for still being hung up on my SPM results six years on is missing the point. It's not about the results, it's about me failing to deliver. It's about me being brought back down to earth from the lofty pedestal I'd been put and had put myself on. I did not ask for it to have had such a big impact on me, but it did and here we are.

In the battle of heart vs head, the fact that you have to constantly remind yourself to use your head just shows that the heart is stronger. And maybe that's why bad memories don't go away; you might forget a person's name or face, but you don't forget how they made you feel. I don't remember precisely how the day I got my SPM results went, but the emotions have stuck around.

I've learned over time that emotions should be confronted, not ignored or repressed. Feeling happy? Show it. Feeling sad? Show it. Feeling angry? Show it. All through the proper channels, of course. Emotions need to be let out, not boxed up. I was guilty of doing the latter for much of my early life, but I'm a lot better at managing my feelings now. As I mentioned in a previous post, I'm more emotionally stable than I've ever been, and that's mostly down to learning how to manage my emotions properly.

Things have worked out for me, of course, and looking back, I wouldn't change a thing. If I had gotten what I'd aimed for in my SPM, life would have turned out a lot differently. In an alternate reality, I could have turned out a very different person. As it is, I quite like this reality, the one I'm currently living in. I quite like the way it's actually turned out. There's still always that "what if" that lingers in the back of my mind, though, and maybe there can never really be any way to get rid of it. All I can do is manage it the best that I can.

Tuesday Thoughts.

It's a Tuesday afternoon. It's raining outside, but somehow it's still a bit hot inside my room. Just thought I'd rattle out some thoughts as I wait for dinnertime.

I don't know how I'll ever be able to work in the corporate world. From what I've seen and heard, it doesn't seem like I'm going to enjoy that kind of life. Slaving away day after day for a paycheck, doing things no one is really passionate about, having mindless conversations with co-workers I'd never see outside of work - I'm not about that. I'm not about any of that.

The thing about having studied Actuarial Finance is that the only thing I can do, based on my qualifications, that does not involve sitting in an office somewhere making decisions on money that doesn't belong to me is probably to go into teaching. Which doesn't really sound all that bad, to be honest, since I actually do enjoy teaching.

Working as an academic, you'd presume, means I'll be working with intelligent, like-minded people, which means there'll be plenty of intellectual talk and discussion and rational approaches to decision-making and problem-solving. That's what I'd like to think, but, of course, the reality is never really how you like to think it is.

Wherever you go, there will always be drama. There will always be office politics. There will always be factions, and a certain element of us-against-them. Universities are filled with more educationally-qualified people than any other institution you can think of, and yet there's still no escaping issues that you think wouldn't be present among people of such stature. Intelligent people are still human beings, after all, and there's no way to fully eliminate the flaws that come with being human.

So there's really only way to avoid the problems that come with working with other people: working on your own. But that doesn't really fit with me either; I'm a pretty lazy person, and I don't think I have it within me to do anything without needing any kind of help or consultation. And what kind of work, if you hope to bring in a significant amount of income with someday, can really be done completely on your own, without needing to enlist the services of other people?

I guess when the time comes, I'll just have to accept it. I'll still have to get some kind of job someday, ideally one which provides me with more than just enough to pay the bills, and that need for money will overcome my need for avoiding negative human interaction. That's just how things are, and that's why anyone even bothers with whatever job they have to do. In fact, I'm quite privileged to have been able to avoid getting a job for so long, and I should be thankful for that.