Intense.

Last week was a hectic one for me as I had my first gig as head facilitator for that monthly motivational camp I mentioned in my last post. With it being my first time handling a program of that nature, and as the person in charge to boot, my brain activity reached levels it hadn't seen for a very long time. The event was on Saturday, and it's taken me until today (Tuesday) to properly calm down.

I slept earlier than usual the night before the program, but my brain just wouldn't give it a rest - I found myself waking up multiple times throughout the night. I left the house at about 7.15 am, and in the hour or so I spent in the car on the journey to Rawang, I just couldn't turn the radio on. I did try, but I could only take a few seconds before switching it back off. Music may be calming to some people, but it has the opposite effect on me at times like these. I guess I was just so focused on what I needed to do that day that I just couldn't have any kind of distraction interfere with my concentration.

I'm a guy who sets high standards for the things I do. Thus, when I have to do something important and I have no idea how it's going to turn out, I get pretty stressed out as I do what I can to ensure the best possible outcome. I spent much of last week going over possible scenarios in my head, stressing myself out in the process. Things got increasingly more intense as I got closer to the day of the program. Maybe that's some form of mental disorder, I dunno, but that's the way it's always been for me and I guess I'm used to it by now.

When this sort of thing happens, namely when I do something new that's also significant, the stressfulness of it all just makes me question myself, asking things like why I do these things to myself and stuff like that. But at the same time there's a voice in my head that calmly reminds me that, actually, I know exactly why, and it's this voice that keeps me going every time. It doesn't fully drown out the negativity, but it does a good enough job.

Then I actually do the thing that's new and also significant, and everything's just fine. Maybe now you expect me to say something about how I wondered why I even worried in the first place, but I'm not going to, because I didn't. I know why I worried in the first place - maybe I don't have a scientific explanation for it, but I suppose it's normal for someone to be worried in the face of uncertainty. After all, if you don't worry, would you even prepare?

One thing I've learned in life is that things always work out, though sometimes (okay, most of the time) not in the way you expect. Things don't have to be perfect - though it would be great if they were - and just because you think something didn't go well doesn't mean that it didn't.

The program thankfully did go well, of course, even though we started late and overall time management was a bit off. The most important thing was that the kids involved seemed to have a good time and hopefully benefited from the activities we'd put out for them. Even so, my brain just kept bringing up incidents from the day where things could have been done better, and I needed a solid three-hour nap when I got home to get my mind to drop down a gear or two.

Things will hopefully be better for the coming months, as at least now I've gotten most of the uncertainty out of the way - I know what I'm dealing with now, and what to expect. Hopefully my concentration won't be diminished by the lower stress levels I should now be facing. On top of that, I actually enjoy the work I'm doing, and the people I work with are pleasant enough. What more motivation could a guy need?

Now if only I could similarly motivate myself for my MPhil research. That time will come, I'm certain of it.

A New Challenge.

I recently applied to be a facilitator for this monthly motivational camp for underprivileged students. It's organized by this non-profit, non-government organization that works on addressing education inequality in Malaysia, which I personally think is a wonderful cause.

I thought it would be a fun thing to do - I'd have something else to do other than my Master's research, I'd be doing something I actually enjoy doing in the form of teaching people, and I'd be meeting and working with new, intelligent, like-minded people. I've been in my comfort zone for who knows how long now; I thought it was about time I got back out there and challenged myself again.

I then got selected as a head facilitator after a Skype interview, in which I was asked (among other things) to provide an example as proof that I am, in fact, compassionate. I thought that was a strange one - it could have been worded another way, I suppose - but I guess you need some way to weed out the sociopaths. Sociopaths can actually fake compassion, though, which would deem that question pointless... but anyway, I digress.

Things have officially started now. I went for a training session at an office in KL, where I discovered what I was actually in for. Almost everyone there seemed to be brimming with positivity and peppiness, which is probably what you'd expect from people working in the business of motivation and inspiration. It is, however, the complete opposite of the aura I'm usually perceived to project, but I guess sometimes you need a different approach. Not everyone is into the whole blinding-optimism thing; I know I don't get particularly inspired by that stuff, and I'm surely not the only one.

There was then a Skype meeting, in which the task I had at hand was explained to me in more detail. I'm not gonna lie - it sounds really hard. It's a lot of work, and more so especially since no one in my team (more on that later) has any experience working with this organization before. But I guess I made the decision to accept it the moment I signed up for it, and I'll just have to do my best to meet the (pretty lofty) expectations that I've been set.

I then got assigned to a school in Rawang, a place I don't believe I've ever been to. The team I'll be working will consist of myself and six others, all of whom happen to be girls. I've worked as the only guy in an otherwise all-girls group before, but it's a new challenge this time as the racial composition isn't quite what I'm used to. I'll be meeting a few of them later this week (most of them for the first time); hopefully we'll be able to get along and work well together.

On top of that, there's also the Master's research I'm being paid to do. I've been going way too slow, if I'm being honest - this month marks six months since I first submitted my study application to MMU (though I did only get approved in February), and I'm only about halfway through my proposal. I've been procrastinating far too much, and I'll really need to dig deep and find the motivation to step things up.

I find it a bit ironic that I'm getting paid to study and paying to work (it's volunteering, innit) as a camp facilitator. Just another on the list of things I didn't plan on doing after graduation, I suppose, and also inevitably soon to be on the list of things I didn't regret putting myself through. Life is a journey, and all that.

It's late at night and I really should be getting some sleep, but blogging is good for a soul that needs a place to just ramble and not care (too much) if anyone sees. I mean, if I wanted someone to read my thoughts, I would have written it out on Facebook. The stuff I write here these days probably doesn't really benefit anyone too much other than people with at least a passing interest in what I get up to.

Well, that's that. Here's hoping I have a productive day tomorrow.

Managing.

The 2016 SPM results were released today (or yesterday, I guess, since it's past midnight as I type this). I have no idea how either of the secondary schools I attended performed, but the lack of good news, particularly regarding the one in Rembau, is probably a sign that the world hasn't exactly been set alight.

I still retain great affection for Semesra, as the two years I spent there were two of the best years of my life. I genuinely want it to do well, though the downward trend in academic results since the heady days of my batch seems to indicate that it's unfortunately set to be going the way most other SBPs have. The slide is quite saddening, and it's something I hope to be able to address someday.

A former lecturer of mine, who I consider a good friend, has a son who got his results today. He did very well, considering he's from a non-boarding school (albeit a good one). His mother was "ecstatic", as any mother would be. I was reminded of back when I got my own SPM results, almost exactly six years ago - as if I ever needed reminding. It's something that I still think about from time to time.

Most people will have moved on by now; I can't say I fully have. Can I really be blamed for that? It was a significant, watershed moment in my life, being the first time I'd ever had that kind of expectation put on me, which I subsequently failed to meet. I know most people would have been overjoyed with those results, but most people did not set themselves the same target I did. What most people consider to be excellent, I consider to be insufficient.

I remember the hollowness I felt. I remember having to hide my dissatisfaction. I remember accepting well-meaning congratulatory remarks the same way you'd accept a gift you neither want nor have a use for. I had fallen short of the expectations I'd placed on myself, and, to me, that was no success. Those were not good feelings. Anyone who thinks I'm a bit precious for still being hung up on my SPM results six years on is missing the point. It's not about the results, it's about me failing to deliver. It's about me being brought back down to earth from the lofty pedestal I'd been put and had put myself on. I did not ask for it to have had such a big impact on me, but it did and here we are.

In the battle of heart vs head, the fact that you have to constantly remind yourself to use your head just shows that the heart is stronger. And maybe that's why bad memories don't go away; you might forget a person's name or face, but you don't forget how they made you feel. I don't remember precisely how the day I got my SPM results went, but the emotions have stuck around.

I've learned over time that emotions should be confronted, not ignored or repressed. Feeling happy? Show it. Feeling sad? Show it. Feeling angry? Show it. All through the proper channels, of course. Emotions need to be let out, not boxed up. I was guilty of doing the latter for much of my early life, but I'm a lot better at managing my feelings now. As I mentioned in a previous post, I'm more emotionally stable than I've ever been, and that's mostly down to learning how to manage my emotions properly.

Things have worked out for me, of course, and looking back, I wouldn't change a thing. If I had gotten what I'd aimed for in my SPM, life would have turned out a lot differently. In an alternate reality, I could have turned out a very different person. As it is, I quite like this reality, the one I'm currently living in. I quite like the way it's actually turned out. There's still always that "what if" that lingers in the back of my mind, though, and maybe there can never really be any way to get rid of it. All I can do is manage it the best that I can.