Intense.

Last week was a hectic one for me as I had my first gig as head facilitator for that monthly motivational camp I mentioned in my last post. With it being my first time handling a program of that nature, and as the person in charge to boot, my brain activity reached levels it hadn't seen for a very long time. The event was on Saturday, and it's taken me until today (Tuesday) to properly calm down.

I slept earlier than usual the night before the program, but my brain just wouldn't give it a rest - I found myself waking up multiple times throughout the night. I left the house at about 7.15 am, and in the hour or so I spent in the car on the journey to Rawang, I just couldn't turn the radio on. I did try, but I could only take a few seconds before switching it back off. Music may be calming to some people, but it has the opposite effect on me at times like these. I guess I was just so focused on what I needed to do that day that I just couldn't have any kind of distraction interfere with my concentration.

I'm a guy who sets high standards for the things I do. Thus, when I have to do something important and I have no idea how it's going to turn out, I get pretty stressed out as I do what I can to ensure the best possible outcome. I spent much of last week going over possible scenarios in my head, stressing myself out in the process. Things got increasingly more intense as I got closer to the day of the program. Maybe that's some form of mental disorder, I dunno, but that's the way it's always been for me and I guess I'm used to it by now.

When this sort of thing happens, namely when I do something new that's also significant, the stressfulness of it all just makes me question myself, asking things like why I do these things to myself and stuff like that. But at the same time there's a voice in my head that calmly reminds me that, actually, I know exactly why, and it's this voice that keeps me going every time. It doesn't fully drown out the negativity, but it does a good enough job.

Then I actually do the thing that's new and also significant, and everything's just fine. Maybe now you expect me to say something about how I wondered why I even worried in the first place, but I'm not going to, because I didn't. I know why I worried in the first place - maybe I don't have a scientific explanation for it, but I suppose it's normal for someone to be worried in the face of uncertainty. After all, if you don't worry, would you even prepare?

One thing I've learned in life is that things always work out, though sometimes (okay, most of the time) not in the way you expect. Things don't have to be perfect - though it would be great if they were - and just because you think something didn't go well doesn't mean that it didn't.

The program thankfully did go well, of course, even though we started late and overall time management was a bit off. The most important thing was that the kids involved seemed to have a good time and hopefully benefited from the activities we'd put out for them. Even so, my brain just kept bringing up incidents from the day where things could have been done better, and I needed a solid three-hour nap when I got home to get my mind to drop down a gear or two.

Things will hopefully be better for the coming months, as at least now I've gotten most of the uncertainty out of the way - I know what I'm dealing with now, and what to expect. Hopefully my concentration won't be diminished by the lower stress levels I should now be facing. On top of that, I actually enjoy the work I'm doing, and the people I work with are pleasant enough. What more motivation could a guy need?

Now if only I could similarly motivate myself for my MPhil research. That time will come, I'm certain of it.