Graduation.

Over a week has passed since I finished my internship (and subsequently my undergraduate studies). It wasn't so much a liberation but instead merely the end of just another phase in life. The universe wasted no time in welcoming me to the real world as 'adult' matters poured in incessantly. In fact, they seemed even bigger since I no longer had my academics to distract me.

It's still early days, and I guess I'm still adapting to life after graduation. It's different for everyone, of course, but this is my lot and I accept what I've been given. I'm the type of person who constantly needs to have something to do in order to maintain his sanity.

I still have France to look forward to, and I'm taking my time with preparations. I still have over a month to plan, so I can afford to go at my own pace. In any case, I'm not really in the mental and emotional state to do any concrete planning at this point in time.

There are, of course, bigger decisions to be made other than my itinerary for France. I'm still not really sure what to do with my life - if the place I interned at offers me a job (and right now it seems likely that it will) I'll take it, and maybe I'll work there for a few years before furthering my studies. But then what? It may seem like it's far too early to plan for that, and maybe it is, but it's good to have some idea of your path in life.

I guess I don't have too much to write about in this post, as I've either already written out my thoughts on Facebook or simply chosen not to share them online. My head is a mess right now anyway.

Purpose.

I'm not sure if I've explicitly mentioned this before on this blog, but here goes: I don't want to be an actuary anymore. I've been studying Actuarial Finance for the last three years, and over that whole period I just wasn't able to really develop any sort of passion for the actuarial profession. I've spoken to actuarial lecturers, other actuarial students from other universities, and participated in events for actuarial students - all this, and still nothing.

I even found the time to attend one last event for actuarial students last weekend. I'd already more or less decided I wouldn't pursue a career along this line by then, so, the way I saw it, taking part in this event was sort of like a make-or-break - I was either going to confirm my decision to not become an actuary, or find the motivation to go along that profession after all.

The event consisted of four workshops and a series of other talks which all gave some fantastic insight into the life of an actuary. I was impressed with the overall organization, and the speakers were highly qualified and thus very knowledgeable. If I was going to be finally convinced that I would someday join the ranks of the currently less than 200 fully qualified actuaries in this country, this event was going to do it.

It didn't, of course. Others may have been motivated, but I was shown once and for all that my heart really wasn't in it and it never will be. I just didn't see the higher purpose of working as an actuary; I couldn't see how I could really contribute to society at large in such a position. Maybe actuaries do have a place in social welfare, but I guess it's not a place I really want to fill. The monetary rewards just aren't enough compensation for all the time, energy, money and social life sacrificed to reach the peak of the profession. Yes, I acknowledge that sacrifices need to be made to be successful in any field, but the actuarial line is not the one I want those sacrifices to be made for.

Having said all that, I might just start working in a bank soon (my internship supervisor seems keen to take me on after I graduate), and, relatively speaking, maybe there isn't too much more I can contribute to society while working there either. Insurance companies (a.k.a. an actuary's natural habitat) and banks are both classified as financial institutions, so how much different could they be when it comes to their place in society?

I guess we all have to start somewhere. One thing internship has taught me is that I really am still quite young (the next youngest person in my department is around 30), and I don't have to be in such a rush to sort out my future. There's still plenty of time to explore and assess my options. One day in the future I'll probably dig up all these old blog posts and laugh at myself for being so impatient.

I'm going to end up as a lecturer, aren't I. 

Of Death and Dying.

I logged onto Facebook after coming home from work today to find out that an acquaintance of mine from university, an Indian girl a couple of years younger than me, had passed away earlier today. I was both shocked and saddened - I had worked with the girl in question in my last orientation, and we had gotten along quite well. We didn't really talk much after the orientation had finished, but I still felt a slight platonic connection to her whenever I saw her around campus.

I later found out that her passing was likely caused by dengue. This struck a chord with me, as just over a year ago I myself had been suffering from the same disease. Dengue is quite common in this country, and people usually survive - I once had a teacher who had multiple bouts of dengue and is still alive today - it just happened that this girl, sadly, wasn't as fortunate.

When you're in your mid-twenties, it's very likely that you've experienced death among your friends or family members. Personally, my father passed away of leukemia when I was eight, my grandfather just last year, plus other distant relatives. However, this would be the first time that I've seen it happen to a friend or acquaintance of a similar age. It's not a great feeling.

Nothing is certain in this life besides death. Seeing people in your life leave it through such harrowing circumstances only serves to remind you of that inescapable fact - someday you, too, will die, as will everyone you've ever known and loved. This life is only temporary, and is nothing but a pit stop in which to prepare for what lies ahead. It's depressing, but it's the truth. The sooner you accept it and move on, the better.

I wonder what atheists think about death. Do they believe things just stop there? Do they believe in an afterlife? I, for one, would like to think that all that we do on this Earth is not for nothing. After all, what's the point if we're all going to die anyway? Why bother even doing anything if nothing will come out of it?

We could literally die at any moment, with no way of knowing how or when or where or why. Have we done enough in this world to ensure that we go in peace? Are we satisfied with what we've done? These are the big questions we should constantly be asking ourselves. As the Prophet Muhammad SAW said: "The most intelligent person is the one who often remembers death."