Experience.

I've got a big year ahead of me, full of big changes and big decisions. As always, I have no idea how things are going to go, or how I'm going to react to whatever happens, but recently I've found some comfort in the following mantra:

When the time comes, you'll know what to do.

I can't remember if I heard it from somewhere or came up with it myself, but either way, I've found it to usually be quite true. It might not work for everyone, and it definitely won't work without some degree of preparation, but it works for me. It helps to curb overthinking and keeps me calm in the face of uncertainty.

Uncertainty is a big thing for me. I'm not much of a risk-taker; I don't typically do things unless I'm fairly confident of what the outcome will be. I don't like trying new foods or meeting new people unless I'm able to first convince myself that it won't turn out too badly. (Of course, what usually happens is that I either don't try the new food or meet the new people and I move along with my life, or I do and it turns out just fine, thereby rendering all my worries pointless.)

Of course, there's never really any way to be fully certain of an outcome. Only two things in life are certain, as the saying goes: death and taxes. No matter how many reviews I read, watch or listen to about a movie, for instance, there's no way to know if I'll actually enjoy it without actually watching it. But the reviews do help to give some idea of what to expect, as will my previous experiences watching movies by the same director or featuring the same actors.

Experience, therefore, is a crucial part of eliminating uncertainty. The other day, I had to make some phone calls to get data for my research, and the prospect of calling all these government offices seemed hugely daunting...until I actually brought myself to make the first call. Things were a lot smoother and more bearable after that, as I'd already had the experience of making that first phone call and would rely on that experience to make the subsequent ones.

That's an example of firsthand experience, which is always the best kind. Sometimes, though, firsthand experience is out of reach, and you just have to rely on secondhand experience instead. As someone who doesn't talk much (or didn't use to, anyway), I tend to listen a lot to what people say, and sometimes people relate their experiences in matters I've never come near to. I've learned a lot about life from people who've lived far more of it than I have, and it's partly why I didn't get up to a lot of mischief when I was younger. I didn't have to make mistakes because I learned from the mistakes of others.

This year, I'm aiming to actively gain more firsthand experience. 'Actively' is the key word here; where possible, I'd like to do less sitting around waiting for things to happen to me. I started being more proactive some time ago, but this year I'd like to step it up. I'd like to stop being so overly cautious and passive and just...do things instead of thinking up reasons why I shouldn't.

I don't know what I'll end up doing this year, but I can rest easy with the knowledge that whatever happens and however these things happen will be for the best. No need for overthinking.

Ending the Year.

I end the year wondering, not for the first time, if I'd be studying medicine if I'd been to more hospitals when I was younger. I went with my grandmother to visit a hospitalized relative earlier today, and seeing sick people in their beds helps me understand why some people willingly go through the hell that is medical school. Then again, I was pretty insensitive and unappreciative as a child, so maybe more frequent trips to the hospital back then wouldn't have made much difference.

I end the year with a light throbbing in the right side of my mouth. I had a tooth taken out a few days ago as part of my preparation to get braces installed (after having first gone to see the dentist about getting braces about 10 years ago). It was the first time I'd ever had any kind of work done on my teeth other than scaling, and I am not enjoying the aftermath at all. It doesn't help that I've also contracted a bit of a cold, leaving me in some physical discomfort and a feeling of general discontent.

I end the year waiting for the Arsenal game to start half an hour into the new year. I've missed the past few due to them being rather annoyingly timed, and I can no longer be bothered to stay up too late to watch my team play, especially given the way they've been playing recently. Nevertheless, I still need my Arsenal fix, and it hasn't been fun not watching Alexis Sanchez and co. for a while.

I end the year having moved out of my Kajang apartment. I stayed there for 13 months, and it was maybe midway through that period when I realized that I absolutely did not enjoy living in the Kajang-Bangi area. I am fond of my now-former housemates, yes, and the swimming pool and the occasional trips to the futsal court were nice, but as a whole I just couldn't bring myself to look past the traffic, the lack of parking in front of my apartment compound, and the monotony of eating the same things and/or at the same places over and over again. I had good times in Kajang, but for now I'm glad I don't have to go back anymore.

I end the year feeling that I've regressed somewhat. I'm not as disciplined or motivated as I used to be, and neither do I feel like my brain is as sharp. I'm having difficulty summoning the will to do any kind of writing (which sort of explains why this month's post was left this late), and I'm very behind on both my thesis and the novels I'm writing. Motivation comes to me in cycles, and I suppose I'm currently in a downturn. Constantly hoping to be in an up cycle really isn't sustainable, though, and I need to find a solution.

I end the year caring less about more things, and caring more about less things. I've decided to pay more attention to the things that matter to me, like the people who appreciate and care about me, and bin off everything else, like the people that don't. I care less about what people say and think now, even less than before. I guess once you've decided to put more attention towards bigger stuff, you just stop taking notice of the little things. It's all part of growing up.

I end the year with no clear plan of what lies ahead. While I do have a rough timeline in place, there are just so many variables at play that could drastically alter what I've tentatively placed on the agenda. I'm hoping to find some way to squeeze in another trip abroad at some point, partly because I enjoy traveling to far-off places, but also partly because I miss making videos and I need something to make vlogs about.

I end the year with a deeper appreciation of what it means when things happen according to God's will. I am right where I need to be, and things will happen when they are meant to. Effort on my part is, of course, needed, but I've learned to be more accepting when things don't turn out the way I wanted to. Which happens a lot.

I end the year feeling hopeful. The wheel of life continues to spin, and it's only a matter of time before I'll be at the top again. Bring on 2018.

Peaceful.

Been a bit of a strange month for me, in that I've found things to be quite peaceful despite all the noise going on around me. I'm about two months behind on my research work, and I have to report my progress at a colloquium on Thursday. I haven't decided on what reason/excuse to give for that; I don't suppose 'slacking off' would sit too well with the faculty. Maybe 'personal reasons' would suffice.

At this moment in time, I am a bit motivated to do my work, and therefore it's beyond me how I've been so demotivated for these past few months. I suppose once you've climbed out of a dark hole it's difficult to see what it's like at the bottom.

This has been mostly due, I feel, to my attending of a number of talks over the past month dealing with the Islamic approach to, well, being in a dark place. Attending a few of those talks with an old friend helped too. I've managed to find my motivation again, and, for whatever reason, this time it just feels more sustainable than before. Perhaps I just have a clearer picture of what I'm doing, and perhaps it's just the time-running-out factor that's triggered me into action, but generally I just feel more at peace with myself and my research. I just want to get this done with so I can move on to the next stage of my life, whatever that will be.

Of course, I still have no idea what I'm going to be doing once I complete my Master's. My supervisor told me she's submitted my name for a PhD scholarship starting in September of next year, and if I'm interested she'll push it through. While that does sound enticing, I still wonder if it would be better for me to go into the industry first before getting my doctorate. I reckon it could be difficult for a PhD holder with no industrial experience to get a job outside of academics and research, especially considering the amount of salary I'd be asking for.

There's more to that dilemma, but I don't suppose you'd want to hear about the intricacies of it. It's something I myself would prefer not to think about. Deciding on my next holiday destination sounds like a lot more fun.

I have been thinking about going to Ireland, to be honest, as an old friend who's studying there hit me up the other day and invited me to come over. I haven't actually looked up what's there to see in Ireland, as that can wait until later when I want the hype to build up, but I'm sure there'll be something.

But do I want to spend several thousand ringgit on another trip to Europe? It's a few thousand ringgit I could be putting in my savings to buy a house or something at some point. Is that money better spent investing on physical assets or making myself more cultured? Suddenly, thinking about my next holiday destination isn't so much fun anymore.

I guess things will happen in time, and whatever happens will be for the best. The good thing about the future is that it's always still a way off, and you don't really have to think about it too much. For the moment I'll just live in the present and see how things go.