Purpose.

I'm not sure if I've explicitly mentioned this before on this blog, but here goes: I don't want to be an actuary anymore. I've been studying Actuarial Finance for the last three years, and over that whole period I just wasn't able to really develop any sort of passion for the actuarial profession. I've spoken to actuarial lecturers, other actuarial students from other universities, and participated in events for actuarial students - all this, and still nothing.

I even found the time to attend one last event for actuarial students last weekend. I'd already more or less decided I wouldn't pursue a career along this line by then, so, the way I saw it, taking part in this event was sort of like a make-or-break - I was either going to confirm my decision to not become an actuary, or find the motivation to go along that profession after all.

The event consisted of four workshops and a series of other talks which all gave some fantastic insight into the life of an actuary. I was impressed with the overall organization, and the speakers were highly qualified and thus very knowledgeable. If I was going to be finally convinced that I would someday join the ranks of the currently less than 200 fully qualified actuaries in this country, this event was going to do it.

It didn't, of course. Others may have been motivated, but I was shown once and for all that my heart really wasn't in it and it never will be. I just didn't see the higher purpose of working as an actuary; I couldn't see how I could really contribute to society at large in such a position. Maybe actuaries do have a place in social welfare, but I guess it's not a place I really want to fill. The monetary rewards just aren't enough compensation for all the time, energy, money and social life sacrificed to reach the peak of the profession. Yes, I acknowledge that sacrifices need to be made to be successful in any field, but the actuarial line is not the one I want those sacrifices to be made for.

Having said all that, I might just start working in a bank soon (my internship supervisor seems keen to take me on after I graduate), and, relatively speaking, maybe there isn't too much more I can contribute to society while working there either. Insurance companies (a.k.a. an actuary's natural habitat) and banks are both classified as financial institutions, so how much different could they be when it comes to their place in society?

I guess we all have to start somewhere. One thing internship has taught me is that I really am still quite young (the next youngest person in my department is around 30), and I don't have to be in such a rush to sort out my future. There's still plenty of time to explore and assess my options. One day in the future I'll probably dig up all these old blog posts and laugh at myself for being so impatient.

I'm going to end up as a lecturer, aren't I. 

Of Death and Dying.

I logged onto Facebook after coming home from work today to find out that an acquaintance of mine from university, an Indian girl a couple of years younger than me, had passed away earlier today. I was both shocked and saddened - I had worked with the girl in question in my last orientation, and we had gotten along quite well. We didn't really talk much after the orientation had finished, but I still felt a slight platonic connection to her whenever I saw her around campus.

I later found out that her passing was likely caused by dengue. This struck a chord with me, as just over a year ago I myself had been suffering from the same disease. Dengue is quite common in this country, and people usually survive - I once had a teacher who had multiple bouts of dengue and is still alive today - it just happened that this girl, sadly, wasn't as fortunate.

When you're in your mid-twenties, it's very likely that you've experienced death among your friends or family members. Personally, my father passed away of leukemia when I was eight, my grandfather just last year, plus other distant relatives. However, this would be the first time that I've seen it happen to a friend or acquaintance of a similar age. It's not a great feeling.

Nothing is certain in this life besides death. Seeing people in your life leave it through such harrowing circumstances only serves to remind you of that inescapable fact - someday you, too, will die, as will everyone you've ever known and loved. This life is only temporary, and is nothing but a pit stop in which to prepare for what lies ahead. It's depressing, but it's the truth. The sooner you accept it and move on, the better.

I wonder what atheists think about death. Do they believe things just stop there? Do they believe in an afterlife? I, for one, would like to think that all that we do on this Earth is not for nothing. After all, what's the point if we're all going to die anyway? Why bother even doing anything if nothing will come out of it?

We could literally die at any moment, with no way of knowing how or when or where or why. Have we done enough in this world to ensure that we go in peace? Are we satisfied with what we've done? These are the big questions we should constantly be asking ourselves. As the Prophet Muhammad SAW said: "The most intelligent person is the one who often remembers death."

Believe Again.

As I have stated a number of times on this blog, I am an avid football fan. Whether it's playing, watching, reading or talking about football, it's something I could literally spend a whole day on. People who know me know how true this is, and that I am not even slightly exaggerating.

Unlike my passion for football, something you may not have picked up on by simply reading this blog is that I am a patriot. I realize that there are people out there who don't quite agree with the concept of patriotism, and I do see where they're coming from. Some people might even say that my sense of patriotism was caused by endless nationalistic brainwashing during my schooling years, but I don't care. I think it's important to love your country and your fellow countrymen, regardless of what people think.

So it was with this combination of love for both my country and football that I went to the cinema with my siblings to watch Ola Bola, a film released exactly a month ago based on the story of the Malaysian national football team that qualified for the 1980 Olympics (which Malaysia and 66 other countries ended up boycotting in protest of Russia's invasion of Afghanistan). The movie had been given rave reviews by pretty much everyone, and was directed by the same guy who directed The Journey (second-highest-grossing Malaysian film of all time), so I had high expectations for the movie.

Even though I found the football sequences to be a bit unrealistic (poor defending and goalkeeping, among others - don't get me started on such technicalities), the movie was admittedly of a quality much higher than what Malaysian moviegoers have come to expect from local films in terms of both production and writing. It tugged on a few heartstrings, and manly tears were nearly shed at multiple points today.

The film's tagline was 'You Will Believe Again', and I suppose it aimed to inspire Malaysians to get behind the national team again, especially when it is now at its lowest ebb - we are currently ranked 171st in the world (our lowest ever ranking in history), recently got spanked by the likes of UAE (10-0) and Palestine (6-0) in World Cup qualifiers, and are generally just plain awful. It doesn't help that our supposedly best players appear to be pampered divas who think they've 'made it' and display no passion whatsoever whenever they take to the pitch.

I actually left the cinema in melancholic reflection, thinking how on Earth Malaysian football had managed to get itself into such a pitiful, pathetic state. In addition to that, some months ago I had read the wonderfully informative 'How Malaysia Never Reached The World Cup' by Lucius Maximus, and the frustrating stories of poor attitudes and administration made for depressing reading. It now seems to me that Malaysian football hasn't really changed much over the years. Maybe we haven't regressed; maybe it's just the rest of the world that's kicked on while we've remained stagnant.

It'll take far more than a movie to fix Malaysian football, as passion isn't the only thing you need to win football matches; the problems we have run much, much deeper than that. Nevertheless, believing in local football again would be a good start. Faiz Subri's ridiculous goal the other day (we've all seen it by now, right?) shows that there is, in fact, talent in this country. The nation's top football club, JDT, thrashed the champions of Myanmar 8-1 in the AFC Cup last week. It seems that once you've hit rock bottom, the only way to go is up.

As a kid, I dreamed of someday donning the national colors and bringing glory to this country. That ship has sailed, of course, but just because I'm not good enough to play for the national team, that doesn't mean I shouldn't support the players who are. If we're not going to get behind our own national team, then who will? If we can support foreign clubs who really only need foreign fans for the revenue they bring in, why can't we do the same for Malaysia?

I'll admit I've never really been the best Malaysian football fan; I've always been more interested in what's going on with Arsenal. I guess it's time I made a change.