A Thing I Have to Do.

I miss writing.

More specifically, I miss writing about what I want to write about.

To be fair, there are a lot of things that I'd like to write about, and there simply aren't enough hours in the day to write about all of them while also carrying out basic bodily functions. The main reason this is the case, of course, is because much of my time is spent worrying about the one thing I don't really want to write, but really have to: my Master's thesis.

I could be doing better. I should be doing better. I know. If I'd just kept my head down and focused on nothing else, I would've been done with it ages ago, and I'd now be free to do all these other things I want to do, including writing about all these other things I'd really like to write about. Unfortunately, I didn't, and I'm not. And here we are.

The last-minute habit is a difficult one to break, especially when you've been doing it all your life. I do recall overcoming it somewhat back in Manipal, but I was pretty motivated back then. I'm not quite as motivated now.

I come up with all kinds of excuses in my head, but the moment they exit through my mouth I see them for how weak and pathetic they are. The bare truth is just that I've been lazy. Nothing more, nothing less. I've just procrastinated so much that all the work I've been putting off has finally caught up to bite me in my rear.

The worst part is that I'm actually not even that bothered about it. There aren't any alarm bells ringing in my head, no voice yelling PANIC STATIONS! through my mind, no real sense of urgency seeping through my soul. I suppose I just really can't seem to bring myself to truly care about my work.

Maybe that's the problem. Life isn't about only doing things you care about - there are also other things that don't exactly set your pulse racing but are no less important. I suppose those things exist for a reason. Boredom and excitement share the same symbiotic relationship as light and darkness, each needing the other to validate and balance out its existence.

Instead of filling my head with thoughts of  'I hate this' and 'I'd rather do literally anything else', perhaps I need to look at my thesis from a different perspective. Forget about the big picture for once - thinking about how it will help rural women entrepreneurs this whole time hasn't exactly helped, after all. I don't need to truly care about my work, and I should stop trying to; I need to just care enough to get it done. I just need to see it exactly for what it is: a thing I have to do.

I just want to be done with this. And I will be. Then I'll be free to read, write, travel, play football and waste time on the internet to my heart's content. Well, maybe not quite to my heart's content as I'll be 24 this year, a number that's possibly smaller than the number of responsibilities I have. I say 'possibly' because it's never actually occurred to me to list down and count exactly many there are. And now that I think about it, it sounds like a frightening prospect, and I'm probably better off not knowing.

One thing I do know, of course, is that before I can do anything else, I'll have to get through this thesis first. It's been a figurative thorn in my side for almost two years now, and I'm getting sick of it. I want my life back, and the only way to do that is to get this thing out of it.

Let's do this. Let's get this thing done.