Memory.

The other day we were learning about memory in Introduction to Psychology class - short-term memory, long-term memory, that sort of thing. The lecturer decided to ask us if anyone had any happy memories they'd like to share. She also thought it might be a good idea to call out my name and ask if I had any memories to talk about.

At that moment in time, no particularly happy moment came to mind. Emotionally speaking, I wasn't exactly in a happy mood at the time, so I just smiled and said: "I do [have memories], Miss, but they're mostly not very happy." Fortunately, she didn't probe any further and proceeded to ask someone else, who went on to share her happy memories of watching horror movies at a neighbor's house. Eyup.

Even if I had been in a more positive emotional state, I wouldn't have been open to the idea of talking about something that had happened to me in the past anyway, especially given the setting that I was in. I'm not a fan of talking when I know people aren't all that interested in what I have to say. The raconteur part of my personality only truly shows itself when I'm having a personal, one-on-one conversation with someone, not when I'm in a room full of disinterested people who barely even know how to spell my name correctly.

Later, I decided to go through the memories in my head, all the while wondering why I hadn't been able to summon even one significantly happy moment from my past. It's not that nothing happy has ever happened to me before (relatively speaking, my life hasn't really been that awful, thankfully), I suppose it's just that I'm not all that sentimental when it comes to the good times.

I find that I retain bad memories better than good ones. Is it because I experience negative emotions more intensely than positive ones? Is it because, despite my best efforts, I'm actually naturally pessimistic and am thus unable to enjoy my high points because I know things can and will go south at any moment? Or is it because I set the standards for being happy too high for me to reach on a regular basis?

One thing's for sure, though: I learn more from when things go wrong than when they go right. I suppose I tend to forget good memories because whatever lessons I may have learned from them weren't as significant as the ones I learned from less happy times.

Having said that, it's not that I retain all the bad times either. Just like so many good memories, I've let go of plenty of bad ones too. In fact, most of the memories in my head right now don't really evoke any sort of emotion; they're just pretty neutral. I guess this could be related to the fact that I'm not an emotional kind of person - I don't have much emotion in my head, and that translates to my thoughts and actions.

The past will be the past, but those who forget history are doomed to repeat it. Memories exist to guide us through the present into the future, but they shouldn't be a major part of your life, and especially not when you're only still at my age. I've still got some way to go; I don't need to be looking back at the starting line all the time.