Back.

I haven't posted here since January.

There was supposed to have been a post in February, but it was based on this book I'd read and I couldn't find the time to skim through it again for the purpose of said post, hence why it still remains unfinished and unposted. And after holding back on one post, naturally, I've not written any others since then. Until now, anyway.

Months have passed and, during that time, I've submitted my thesis, finished the Level 3 exams of my sign language course, and played in a chess tournament, as well as other things. Today is the last day of Ramadan, and in just over a month from now I'll be on a plane to Sabah, where I'll be spending two weeks at a primary school located in an area so isolated that I won't be getting any phone service or internet access. I guess you could say I've been a bit busy.

I've also been looking ahead to doing my PhD, which is likely to begin after the turn of the new year. My supervisor tells me that this time, unlike during my Master's, I'll have such responsibilities as showing up on campus from time to time and taking over tutorials for other lecturers. I suppose it's sort of an induction to slowly prepare me for potentially getting hired as a full-time staff member at the university. 

It's not quite the plan I've always had for myself, but it looks to be the best option at the moment. It's also not what anyone else I know is doing, but I see that as a good thing. I know that the unbeaten path that I've been on for all this time will eventually rejoin the path other people are walking, but it's nice to see that that won't be for some time yet.

Well, whatever happens, I hope I'll still be able to find the time to write in this blog - not because I believe that anyone eagerly anticipates my periodic updates, but to ensure that I spend time writing at least once a month to keep the authorial juices flowing. See you in the next post, whenever that is.

January.

My mom's cousin dropped by today to take her out for dinner. We chatted for a little bit, and she remarked on how quickly the past several years of my university education had gone by. I replied by saying it was, in fact, the contrary - it felt like it had gone by pretty slowly to me.

Of course, that wasn't entirely true. I've written about this before: time doesn't really seem to me to be going by quickly or slowly. It just goes at the exactly the pace that it does. Seconds are seconds, hours are hours, and yes, years are years. I obviously kept this to myself as it didn't really seem like the kind of conversation to be dropping this sort of observation in.

Anyway, it has been several years - six, to be precise - since I started my undergraduate studies at Manipal in January 2013. It's January 2019 now, and I'm rushing to submit my thesis. I say I'm rushing, but I use that word rather loosely here. In any case, I'm confident of being able to finalize it by next week, insyaAllah.

I've already been thinking about what I'm going to do next. That PhD scholarship option seems the way to go at the moment, assuming the terms and conditions are satisfactory. The monthly allowance could be supplemented with a part-time job at (preferably) a bookstore somewhere, leading to a fairly healthy income.

The other option, of course, is to not further my studies and get started with my career. What that career will be, I honestly don't know yet - the thought of having to deal with office politics makes me never want to work with other people, ever.

But enough about that. There's still so much uncertainty with regards to my future that I find it tedious to talk about. At this point I've more or less given up on coming up with concrete, detailed plans for my future because they've never worked out. I've come to accept that the path Allah wants for me is better than anything I could ever come up with myself. It's sufficient to just know where I want to go and make my way there; how I get there is up to Him.

One of Those Nights.

I'm in the final stages of my Master's degree. All that's left now is to make some corrections to my thesis, submit it, and then go for and pass the viva. I'm thankful that I've somehow made it this far. This seemed a long, long way off at this point last year.

Naturally, once you see the end of a chapter in sight, you start to think about what's coming next. To be honest, it's something I've thought about for a while now, but day by day, the need to make a decision becomes more and more pertinent. People ask what I'm going to do once I graduate, and, as often as that happens, it's still not as much as I ask myself that same question.

At the moment, there are only two things that I definitely want to commit to in 2019. The first is my role as Sponsorship Officer in the latest entity I've volunteered for, the Charisma Movement. The other is my journey into the world of the Deaf, as I will resume sign language classes in February.

The big question that still needs answering, of course, is of whether I'll be studying, working or both next year. I'm currently leaning towards going straight into a PhD, but only if the terms and conditions (particularly how much I'll be paid) of the scholarship that I'll supposedly be offered are right. Even if they are, I'm thinking I should probably get a part-time job somewhere to make a little extra and get some experience, probably at a bookstore somewhere.

I don't have big ambitions for my career. There was a point several years ago when I wanted to be rich, but then somewhere along the way I realized that money alone was not enough of a driver for me. It would be nice to have enough money to never worry about finances again, but that in itself couldn't give me enough of a push. There are other things that I value more in my life, namely my relationships with the people I care about.

To not be stuck in a job that keeps me away from home all day, every day means that I get to spend time with my friends and family. I get to watch my siblings grow, spend time with my grandmother, and be a calm, listening comfort to my overly stressed friends. The way I see it, you can always go out and get money, but time that has gone can never be replaced.

How long will this last? God only knows. He has put me into these circumstances for reasons only He is privy to, and I can only trust His plan. There are pros and cons, sure, but there's no such thing as a completely perfect situation. All we can do is be thankful for the good stuff and be patient in facing the bad.

I don't know what's compelled me to write this: yet another poorly-structured collection of thoughts that will barely benefit anyone who isn't interested in my life. I'm gonna read this back months, maybe years, from now, and wonder what on earth I was going through at the time. Well, future Ammar, the answer is simply that it was one of those nights. It wasn't too much of a dark time, but not much of a bright one either. It was in that area in between, where your thoughts and emotions are all mixed together like an experimental soup, and there's no one available at the moment to express them to. You'll probably remember that those nights were quite frequent, and the number of messy blog posts you've gotten out of them is only a tiny taste of how much actually went on.

Well, future Ammar, hopefully you're in a good place. Maybe you've finally figured out what you want to do with your life. Maybe you've finally found that person you want to spend the rest of your days with. Or maybe you've achieved something you've always wanted to do. Whatever it is, hopefully you're happier. And hopefully, 'one of those nights' is now a thing of the past.